The Zoeller Adventure takes a big turn

First and foremost let me just say how much we love and appreciate everyone who has followed our crazy journey. We have laughed, cried, vented, confided and been encouraged with you.
I have put this post off for several weeks only because the healing has been a tough journey for me. I really did not even want to write this post but I only feel that is fair to share with all the people that we have asked to help us through this process. With all that being said, Chris and I have decided to remove our name from the waiting list for the Ethiopia adoption process. Saying it in one sentence seems so simple but that one statement holds so much. I must say that it is one of the hardest and most painful decisions that I have personally made. I really do not feel like going into great detail about our decision since the wounds still are very sensitive for me. There are so many things that I could say but really do not feel as if airing them would be beneficial in any way. What I will say is that International Adoption is hard, sometimes unfair, and should not be entered into without realizing that the the end is not always as you expected.
Chris and I have decided that if we were meant to adopt that we will be open to any opportunity that may arise for us to help. For now we are planning to support family preservation in countries like Ethiopia. This would help children stay with their families instead of being placed for adoption in cases where money is the major deciding factor.
So what now??? For me that is the big question. For over two years I have imagined my life and our family with two beautiful Ethiopian children. I had a really rough night a couple weeks ago where I was very angry. I told Chris that I feel like I opened my hands and my heart two years ago to something very scary. I submitted to what I thought was God's plan for us. Now two and a half years later I stand here empty handed. After uttering those words, I realized that I was not empty handed. I have become very well informed about the reality of adoption and how it is nothing like what had been portrayed to me. I stand realizing that just because you submit, it does not always turn out like you want. My hands are open, my character has been stretched, my heart has been broken but my hands are still lifted and my face is still toward the God who is in control of my life and all the details. Even though this journey did not end like I wanted, I know that God has a plan in all this.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

The one thing that I would ask for in all of this is prayer and sensitivity. Just because we have ended our adoption process, it does not mean that the healing process is over. So if I am reserved in answering questions or not willing to talk please extend some grace. If I have a hard time getting excited for other adoptive families just know that it is not personal.
Again, thank you so much for your prayers and support. I am anxious to see where our adventure goes from here. What I will say is that there is never a dull moment. Thanks for loving us, praying for us and being part of our adventure!

16 MONTHS

As the Steve Miller Band would say, "Time keeps on tickin, tickin, into the future! The SMB concert was my first date with Chris. We never have knew those words would be so daunting now?
We continue to cross months off with no word or encouragement that anything is going to happen soon. When we signed up to adopt 2 children from Ethiopia the wait was 3 to 12 months. So, if you get a short answer from me, when you ask how things are going, hopefully, you will understand why!
I wish I could say that this has all been easy and I would highly recommend it to anyone but right now, I am thinking NOT! I hope something changes my heart because this is not how I intended feeling about this process.
So enough of my positive thoughts! Tickin, Tickin, Tickin.........

Update on the Adoption

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And there you have it! You know everything that we know. Nothing, that's right, nothing. We will continue to keep you posted!

Fine, Fine, Fine, Just Fine!!!

How could I not be fine, with these two cuties!



Madie loves to read, even up in a tree!



Max lost another tooth this week. I love this smile!

You would think that when you get news that makes you believe that you are at the top of the waiting list for your internationally adoption you would be elated. That would be the case if we had not received altering news that MOWA in Ethiopia was cutting internationally adoptions by 90%.
So, needless to say, there have been a lot of people asking how we are doing. The reason it has taken me so long to write this blog is because to be honest, I was not really sure. At first, I teetered between sad, mad, frustrated, disappointed, disbelieving and plain denial. But since I have had time to let this digest,I can say, I am fine, fine, fine, just fine. No, I am not just saying this. Chris and I drove to Indianapolis last week to be re-fingerprinted by Homeland Security for our adoption. To be honest, we wondered why we were even making the trip if our adoption may be years in the future if we even continue the process. This gave us 4 hours to talk about the situation in Ethiopia and what the future looks like for our family. We discussed some really tough things but were very realistic about how things stand.
We started this process over 2 years ago and feel as if we have not made much forward progress. So, needless to say, with this news we wondered if we should just cut our losses and move forward. This, to me, did not seem like the right answer. After more discussion we decided to hold on and see what might happen.
I must say that I have been wrestling with the decision to hold tight and wait. Part of me just wanted to stop the whole process. I did think about switching programs and again made phone calls about domestic adoption. All of this just kept leading back to the same answer, WAIT. I kept being reminded of the scripture that says: but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. So, wait it is. In my waiting this week, I had this revelation. I have lost my joy. I have lost my joy in the everyday, in the adoption, in all things. I have gotten so consumed with this process that I have failed to see all the blessings that God has given me. I have an amazing family and a incredible life. I have two beautiful children that make my life a kaleidoscope full of emotion. I have a husband that loves me more than I deserve. But most of all I have a Heavenly Father that has given me blessing upon blessing. All of this to say, I am going to start living life again. I realized that I had allowed it to stop all in the name of adoption. No more. I am going to live. If this adoption is meant to be than that is great. We will gladly accept and love the children that God has for us. If it is not meant to be, we will be sad and mourn the loss of what we thought was to be. But no matter what the outcome, I believe that God is showing me that I need to live, for Him.
I must say that I have learned more about myself during this journey than I even realized possible. It is more about the journey than the destination. Too bad that I am so stubborn sometimes that it takes me forever to learn these lessons.
So, if you ask, as of today, I am fine, fine, fine. Actually, more than fine, I am blessed. So off I go, I have some living to do!

Got the Mojo Magnet

What a treat today as I opened the mailbox to find an envelope addressed to me from a familiar name in the adoptive blog world. I knew exactly what it was as soon as I saw it and I laughed out loud. My neighbors thought that I was crazy before but even more so now. I could not even make it into the house before opening the manila envelope marked fragile. I knew that this envelope held power. MOJO! This item has some history. Another adoptive mom was so sweet to mail this to the couple that was in front of us on the waiting list. She posted a post about the magnificent magnet and the next day, she got her referral. So I emailed Meg and told her to hand it over. I NEEDED the mojo! I was kidding, kinda. She was sweet enough to get it in the mail right away. So, I am posting this hoping that tomorrow is our day. I would be more than happy to pass this back or on!

I love the spelling words in the picture. How about I use them in a sentence. Meg, the teacher, might like this :)
I can not wait for the sight of our referral!
I think about the kids nightly.
A referral would bring such delight.
The chances of us getting a referral are brighter.
We are so ready to take a flight to Ethiopia.
This wait will no longer frighten me!
Ok, enough already. :)
Follow the magnet below!
http://by-dirigible.blogspot.com/
http://kwatkinsinfl.wordpress.com/

Many Signs

There are many signs that lead us to believe that we may be next on the list for a sibling pair with our agency. We are so excited but trying to keep ourselves contained. We realize that there could be any number of people in front of us that are unaccounted for. They seem to sneek in without anyone knowing about them. However, we are hoping that this is not the case. With that being said, we are sending out a cry for your prayers. PLEASE join us in praying for a quick referral. We are so anxious to get our children home. We feel we are very close but want to also keep things into perspective. So quit reading and start praying, please. Any and every prayers is accepted. I am praying that I can post this week that we got good news. Nothing is too big for God! Thanks for lifting us up!

My Funny Valentines and the Igloo

Just a few picture updates on what has been going on with us. First we had a great visit with Chris's sister and her family. With all the snow "uncle" Chris decided that he would recruit some help to build an igloo. It was really cool but it only lasted for a day since the temps got above freezing.

Next are a couple of pictures from Valentines Day. We had a great dinner as a family. I sure love my family!!!!