Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Zoeller Adventure takes a big turn

First and foremost let me just say how much we love and appreciate everyone who has followed our crazy journey. We have laughed, cried, vented, confided and been encouraged with you.
I have put this post off for several weeks only because the healing has been a tough journey for me. I really did not even want to write this post but I only feel that is fair to share with all the people that we have asked to help us through this process. With all that being said, Chris and I have decided to remove our name from the waiting list for the Ethiopia adoption process. Saying it in one sentence seems so simple but that one statement holds so much. I must say that it is one of the hardest and most painful decisions that I have personally made. I really do not feel like going into great detail about our decision since the wounds still are very sensitive for me. There are so many things that I could say but really do not feel as if airing them would be beneficial in any way. What I will say is that International Adoption is hard, sometimes unfair, and should not be entered into without realizing that the the end is not always as you expected.
Chris and I have decided that if we were meant to adopt that we will be open to any opportunity that may arise for us to help. For now we are planning to support family preservation in countries like Ethiopia. This would help children stay with their families instead of being placed for adoption in cases where money is the major deciding factor.
So what now??? For me that is the big question. For over two years I have imagined my life and our family with two beautiful Ethiopian children. I had a really rough night a couple weeks ago where I was very angry. I told Chris that I feel like I opened my hands and my heart two years ago to something very scary. I submitted to what I thought was God's plan for us. Now two and a half years later I stand here empty handed. After uttering those words, I realized that I was not empty handed. I have become very well informed about the reality of adoption and how it is nothing like what had been portrayed to me. I stand realizing that just because you submit, it does not always turn out like you want. My hands are open, my character has been stretched, my heart has been broken but my hands are still lifted and my face is still toward the God who is in control of my life and all the details. Even though this journey did not end like I wanted, I know that God has a plan in all this.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

The one thing that I would ask for in all of this is prayer and sensitivity. Just because we have ended our adoption process, it does not mean that the healing process is over. So if I am reserved in answering questions or not willing to talk please extend some grace. If I have a hard time getting excited for other adoptive families just know that it is not personal.
Again, thank you so much for your prayers and support. I am anxious to see where our adventure goes from here. What I will say is that there is never a dull moment. Thanks for loving us, praying for us and being part of our adventure!

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