Friday, March 18, 2011

Fine, Fine, Fine, Just Fine!!!

How could I not be fine, with these two cuties!

Madie loves to read, even up in a tree!

Max lost another tooth this week. I love this smile!

You would think that when you get news that makes you believe that you are at the top of the waiting list for your internationally adoption you would be elated. That would be the case if we had not received altering news that MOWA in Ethiopia was cutting internationally adoptions by 90%.
So, needless to say, there have been a lot of people asking how we are doing. The reason it has taken me so long to write this blog is because to be honest, I was not really sure. At first, I teetered between sad, mad, frustrated, disappointed, disbelieving and plain denial. But since I have had time to let this digest,I can say, I am fine, fine, fine, just fine. No, I am not just saying this. Chris and I drove to Indianapolis last week to be re-fingerprinted by Homeland Security for our adoption. To be honest, we wondered why we were even making the trip if our adoption may be years in the future if we even continue the process. This gave us 4 hours to talk about the situation in Ethiopia and what the future looks like for our family. We discussed some really tough things but were very realistic about how things stand.
We started this process over 2 years ago and feel as if we have not made much forward progress. So, needless to say, with this news we wondered if we should just cut our losses and move forward. This, to me, did not seem like the right answer. After more discussion we decided to hold on and see what might happen.
I must say that I have been wrestling with the decision to hold tight and wait. Part of me just wanted to stop the whole process. I did think about switching programs and again made phone calls about domestic adoption. All of this just kept leading back to the same answer, WAIT. I kept being reminded of the scripture that says: but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. So, wait it is. In my waiting this week, I had this revelation. I have lost my joy. I have lost my joy in the everyday, in the adoption, in all things. I have gotten so consumed with this process that I have failed to see all the blessings that God has given me. I have an amazing family and a incredible life. I have two beautiful children that make my life a kaleidoscope full of emotion. I have a husband that loves me more than I deserve. But most of all I have a Heavenly Father that has given me blessing upon blessing. All of this to say, I am going to start living life again. I realized that I had allowed it to stop all in the name of adoption. No more. I am going to live. If this adoption is meant to be than that is great. We will gladly accept and love the children that God has for us. If it is not meant to be, we will be sad and mourn the loss of what we thought was to be. But no matter what the outcome, I believe that God is showing me that I need to live, for Him.
I must say that I have learned more about myself during this journey than I even realized possible. It is more about the journey than the destination. Too bad that I am so stubborn sometimes that it takes me forever to learn these lessons.
So, if you ask, as of today, I am fine, fine, fine. Actually, more than fine, I am blessed. So off I go, I have some living to do!


Meg said...

Happy to hear you are in a good place and fine, fine, fine! Sometimes it takes these stressful times to take stock of what's around glad you are on board for the long haul!

Charity said...

I'm so glad you're seeing how blessed you are. I totally know how it is to be stubborn and then see what God has been trying to show you. It's worth the wait every time!

Listen to Blog

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones